The Maze and the Phoenix
I keep rising from my ashes.
Why do I ever raise again? And again?
The obsession.
When I think I have vanquished it, it haunts me and surprises me in the worst ways.
Back to square one.
I feel like I am in a giant maze and I cannot find the exit nor can’t I find my way back to the entrance. I am trapped into my own mind. I obsess over the tiniest things. The simplest things. All details blur into one gigantic fear and I just.can’t.vainquish.it.
I’ve always had OCD behaviours. These behaviours are intertwined tightly with my personality. We are indivisible. But it took a long time to morph my general anxieties into an obsession with food. OCD was lead to ON; othorexia nervosa. As a result, I battle myself everyday. I have to force feed myself on a daily basis.
I have two entities inside of me. The first one being this pure, light, healthy being. The other one is darker, sinister. The second being has gone awry in the process of purification, it took the wrong turn somewhere and it has led to an habit to scrutinize every aspect of my eating. The dark entity is always taking the white one down and telling it is not pure enough. Not clean enough.
I feel dirty most of the time. I exfoliate, hydrate, scrub, wash, polish, brush, pluck, file, make up, clean. I over exercise. I count EVERYTHING. I am a maniac.
I have created Orexis (orexis means appetite in greek) because I feel like I will explode soon. I have to get it out. I have to write down my madness in order to understand it. And hopefully vanquish it?
I am not like most of the other girls I read about. We are not maniac in the same way. My thinness is a side effect of my othorexia. I do not necessary seek bones. But I can’t eat, like the anoretic. And I fall into excess like the bulimic.
I am Mckayla. Is there anybody else in this maze?
Why do I ever raise again? And again?
The obsession.
When I think I have vanquished it, it haunts me and surprises me in the worst ways.
Back to square one.
I feel like I am in a giant maze and I cannot find the exit nor can’t I find my way back to the entrance. I am trapped into my own mind. I obsess over the tiniest things. The simplest things. All details blur into one gigantic fear and I just.can’t.vainquish.it.
I’ve always had OCD behaviours. These behaviours are intertwined tightly with my personality. We are indivisible. But it took a long time to morph my general anxieties into an obsession with food. OCD was lead to ON; othorexia nervosa. As a result, I battle myself everyday. I have to force feed myself on a daily basis.
I have two entities inside of me. The first one being this pure, light, healthy being. The other one is darker, sinister. The second being has gone awry in the process of purification, it took the wrong turn somewhere and it has led to an habit to scrutinize every aspect of my eating. The dark entity is always taking the white one down and telling it is not pure enough. Not clean enough.
I feel dirty most of the time. I exfoliate, hydrate, scrub, wash, polish, brush, pluck, file, make up, clean. I over exercise. I count EVERYTHING. I am a maniac.
I have created Orexis (orexis means appetite in greek) because I feel like I will explode soon. I have to get it out. I have to write down my madness in order to understand it. And hopefully vanquish it?
I am not like most of the other girls I read about. We are not maniac in the same way. My thinness is a side effect of my othorexia. I do not necessary seek bones. But I can’t eat, like the anoretic. And I fall into excess like the bulimic.
I am Mckayla. Is there anybody else in this maze?
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